


the road less traveled.

by fluffy_miracle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Dean Winchester/Castiel - Freeform, Camping, Coping, Cuddles, Cutting, Dead Dogs, Deployment, Depression, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eventual Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Gabriel Isn't Dealing, Gabriel-Centric, Gabriel/Sam Winchester-centric, Grief/Mourning, Group Therapy, Guilt, Healing, Human, Hurt, Hurt Gabriel (Supernatural), Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, It’s a Love Story, Loss, M/M, Oral Sex, PTSD, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Gabriel/Kali (Supernatural), Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Poetry, Robert Frost, Sabriel - Freeform, Sam is a Sweetheart, Self-Harm, Sex, Slow Build, Slow Build Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Slow Burn, Snark, Soldier Castiel, Soldier Dean, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Sweet, Swimming, Therapist Charlie Bradbury, Therapy, Ugh, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, cliff jumping, connection, flannel, friends - Freeform, so so so sweet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2019-06-29 08:18:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15725538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffy_miracle/pseuds/fluffy_miracle
Summary: Gabriel Novak had everything that he wanted as a kid: a family who loved him for who he was. Losing that family on the same night he found out he was supposed to become a dad is harder to come back from than ditching the family that abused and tormented him growing up. His brother convinces him to give group therapy a try where he meets an odd mixture of people who are in the same boat he is in: they have all recently lost someone that they loved very much. Enter Sam Winchester, the recluse of the group who seems to only open up when Gabriel comes to group.He's tall, handsome, and haunted by the deeds of the monster who killed his wife. He's everything Gabriel would have liked if he himself wasn't so fucking broken. These two men build a friendship that helps them both, challenges them both, and maybe even heals them both. There's also a chance they might fall in love if their hearts ever start to work again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic flows differently for me (at least with writing it), so if it reads weird, there is a purpose. It's loosely based of Gabriel's stream of consciousness and it centered around the group therapy. Fair warning that I have never done group therapy, I 've only done the solo kind, but I loved the idea of Sam and Gabe meeting under absolute awful circumstances and being part of the reason that each other keeps healing.
> 
> Other warning: Please read the tags. There is no set way that these tags will pop up since a lot of the major triggers are set in their pasts and people reveal odd things about their pasts at odd times. I will try to set warnings, but I've included all tags that I think might come up, so that people have an idea of what they might come across.

Gabriel still couldn’t believe it. They had been so happy, excited for this next chapter in their future together. Kali has told him that they were expecting, and they had gone out to dinner to celebrate. And now after an extended hospital stay that spanned a couple months, only one of them was coming home: him.

“Gabriel, are you sure you’re okay staying alone?” Castiel, Gabriel’s younger brother asked. He was trying so desperately not to hover, but Gabriel still found his presence to be suffocating. Gabriel couldn’t be more sure that he needed to be alone.

“I’m fine.” He nodded even though he had been currently spacing out in the direction of Kali’s and his wedding picture. That had been three years and five months ago. They had been so happy, sometimes explosively angry, but mostly happy. Gabriel couldn’t believe she was gone. He missed her. He even missed their baby, the little one he would now never get to meet. God, he had just found out about the baby and he had gone and fucked it all up.

“Remember you have group this week.” Thankfully, Castiel didn’t feel like commenting on his non-answer. There were many things that Gabriel was, but fine was definitely not one of them.

“Buzz off, Cassie.”

“Remember that I’m deploying in two days and then you’ll miss me.”

“I will write.” Gabriel sighed heavily, conceding that much. “I always do.” He half-heartedly hugged his little brother, knowing he would miss him terribly when he was away, but for now he just needed to be alone. Castiel kissed him on the cheek before he left, locking the door behind him because he knew Gabriel would be too out of it to remember to do it before bed.

“Max.” Gabriel called out before he realized Max was dead too. He had gone with them to dinner to celebrate. Gabriel wanted their whole family there to celebrate getting bigger, so of course, poor Max was in the car when they crashed into the other vehicle. The car Gabriel had been driving. The car that should have been Gabriel’s death too. He stood up and wandered over to the fridge, grabbing a beer and opening quickly. The top pinged in the sink while Gabriel tipped the bottle back, deciding that he should go to bed and call a realtor in the morning.

He hated this house. He hated the emptiness. He hated how the ghosts of all he lost taunted him from vacant doorways. Two more beers later, he knocked all the smiling pictures in their frames onto the floor, leaving devastation in his wake, a mirror of how he felt on the inside.

He fell asleep on the couch, pretending Kali was just angry with him again, and that was why she wouldn’t answer him when he talked to her, why he was sleeping on the couch tonight. Waking up sober to no sarcastic comments from Kali, nor clacking heels or doggie claws on the hardwood floors, Gabriel called the first realtor who popped up on his phone and set up a meeting for later that morning. He’d find a new apartment first and then sell this dump once he had somewhere new that wasn’t haunted by the inhabitants of his heart.

The next few days flew by in a flurry of meetings and goodbyes. Castiel was right as he usually was, Gabriel missed him terribly after he left with his unit for a far away battlefield. And now he was left wondering if he would have to bury Cassie too. It was this current outlook that he headed to a grief therapy group his well-meaning brother had signed him up for. Castiel probably just wanted to make sure he was all set if something happened to him too.

“Gabriel, welcome.” The leader, Charlie, welcomed him warmly, but Gabriel was already annoyed with her fake cheeriness. Obviously they were all sad people or else they would not be here in her group. He might have to be here, but that didn’t mean he had to pretend to be happy while he was here. He glanced around the circle, around at all the curious eyes on him. There was the overweight woman in the corner, a thin, pale man next to her. There was a grumpy, white man next to him and next to him was a black woman who looked at all of them like they were beneath her and her designer clothes. They probably were although Gabriel probably could compete with her money-wise. There was a tall, Hispanic man and next to him, wearing flannel even though it was like 100 degrees was a tall, long-haired man who was the only one not interested in Gabriel or the tragic story as to why he was here.

“Thanks.” He dragged out the ‘a’ ever so slightly and she frowned ever so slightly in return. Good.

“I gather that you’ve recently lost a loved one.” She prodded and Gabriel bared his teeth in a cruel smile.

“Yea, I lost my dog.” He replied snidely, his breath hitching up at the end. Flannel guy coughed out a sharp laugh and Charlie glanced at him before she went onto the next person after Gabriel. Good thing she could recognize a lost cause when she saw one. Gabriel glared defiantly at anyone who shot him a pitying glance. Flannel guy was looking at him now with a smirk and Gabriel felt an alliance with this stranger who hated this farce of healing as much as he did.

Sam. His name was Sam as Charlie worked through the whole circle and finally got to tall, silent, long-haired, nice-smirk guy and asked he if he wanted to share this week.

“I’m good.” He said in a low voice, eyes staring at a crack in the floor tile.

“Maybe next week.” Charlie said hopefully and he shrugged.

“Maybe.” He glanced up and locked eyes with Gabriel who couldn’t help but suck in a breath at the intensity he saw there. Maybe he shouldn’t ally himself with the guy who looked like he could kill with his eyes alone. But after group, when Gabriel was helping himself to some cookies, Sam found him. “Did your dog really die?”

“Huh?” Gabriel’s head whipped up and he locked eyes with tall, moody, and handsome once more.

“Is your dog really dead?” And while Gabriel found that to be an odd way to ask, he nodded.

“Yea, car—.” Gabriel cut himself off before he said anything else. He wasn’t talking about what happened. Not with Castiel, not with Charlie, and not even with Sam.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” And Sam, looking like he wanted to say more, suddenly turned with narrowed eyes, and walked away. Gabriel glanced over to see Charlie watching them with interest. Huh. No wonder why Sam was grumpy with people watching his every move. Apparently who they did and didn’t talk to was also being monitored at group. He supposed they were just trying to help, hoping they’d all make friends and haul each other out from their respective wastelands like good soldiers, arms slung over each other’s shoulders. He huffed out a small laugh at the mental image, he was way shorter than most of the men in his group. It wouldn’t work out so well. Maybe they could pair him with the lady dealing with her husband dumping her because she was fat. Douchebag.

* * *

 

The next week went by surprisingly well now that Gabriel wasn’t living in that house that wasn’t home anymore. He had it listed, fully furnished, now clean of all the broken glass, memories, and clothes. He stayed in a hotel while he searched for apartments or a new house. Gabriel didn’t know what he was looking for. He was just looking. He wasn’t sure if he would ever find it. Home was a place too far out of his reach, burned up by the contents of a gas tank that should have taken him too!

Then it was time for group again, and Gabriel was already extra grumpy. He had heard from Castiel which relieving and irritating all at the same time. He hated how Castiel called him out and he hated that Castiel was so far away and potentially in danger. And of fucking course, Charlie decided to ask him about his living family members. Probably because he refused to talk or even think about the ones he had just lost.

“Gabriel, it says you have a brother living locally. Why don’t you tell us about him?”

“He’s in Afghanistan.” Gabriel replied, fidgeting with the hole in his jeans. Sam leaned forward and Gabriel saw something familiar in his eyes.

“Sam, would you like to say something to Gabriel?” Charlie asked. Sam gave her a look that Gabriel would almost describe as a bitchface. He wasn’t going to lie-- he enjoyed how Sam giving her that face made Charlie squirm.

“My brother’s there too.” Sam mumbled, toying with the ever present flannel draped off his skinny frame.

“Sucks.” Gabriel offered and Sam nodded, barely meeting his eyes before he looked away.

“Good.” Charlie said, commenting on their non-conversation more than the actual topic of their conversation. “Donna, why don’t you go now?”

“I wasn’t done.” Gabriel snarked and Sam smiled small, staring down at the floor. Gabriel peeked, catching the end of the smile before it vanished. He was pissed that here he was, trying to not deal with everything, and the giant freak in flannel could make him smile just by smiling at something dumb Gabriel had done. Castiel would congratulate him on making friends again, but Castiel wasn’t here. Maybe that was the fucking problem.

“I’m sorry.” Charlie straightened. “Please continue, Gabriel. I shouldn’t have assumed you were finished.”

“Whatever.” Gabriel grumbled. Sam didn’t smile and that somehow made it all worse. “Castiel is my only family by choice. The rest are bigoted pricks.” He shrugged, trying to pretend that he didn’t hate the rest of his family. “Cassie’s like me. He’s different.” Gabriel bared his teeth. Sam was looking at him again; Sam was listening, studying him. Gabriel glanced around and realized everyone was looking at him. He shrank back slightly in his plastic chair. “We’re kind of all each other has now.” Because Gabriel had made a family of his own and then he had killed him. His words got lodged in his throat and he looked down. “I’m done.” He managed before sticking his hands in his pockets and clamming back up.

“Thank you, Gabriel. You did a great job sharing.” He shrugged, refusing to look at anyone. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t break down. He couldn’t tell these people what had happened, what he had done. He tuned out the rest of the meeting, only paying attention to when Sam’s name was called.

“My wife died.” Sam said quietly, eyes locking on to Gabriel. Gabriel got an odd sense that this odd man was only saying it to tell him. “Some bastard—“ Sam shook his head. “He—,” Sam struggled with his words and Gabriel found himself hoping that Sam could manage to let it out, whatever it was, “he did a lot of shit and then he killed her.”

There was a visible reaction across the group. Sam apparently had never shared before and now they were finding out that his wife had been murdered. No wonder the guy didn’t talk a lot. No wonder he had held on to that gem for a while. Sheesh.

“I’m sorry.” Gabriel spoke up, probably breaking like 10,000 rules, but he wanted to say something. He knew what it was like to lose a wife, it was just his own fault he had lost his. God. He couldn’t even imagine how Sam felt— someone murdering his wife.

“Sam, what else can you tell us?” Charlie asked and Gabriel kind of wanted to hit her for how Sam flinched, as if he was somewhere else. There was clearly more to tell, but Sam had just revealed a lot. Gabriel could understand why he didn’t want to share anymore. Shit. What was even worse than his wife getting murdered that Sam didn’t want to share?

“That’s it.” Sam’s face hardened and his voice was stern, commanding even. Charlie took the cue and backed off, moving on to Julian. Sam looked over at Gabriel and Gabriel looked back. Sam didn’t look so imposing when he was looking at Gabriel, so Gabriel offered a tiny smile. Sam looked back down at the ground and Gabriel realized that Charlie was watching them again. God. He wanted her to leave them alone when they were— Gabriel didn’t know what they were doing.

“Hey.” He still found himself walking over to the taller man by the refreshment table when the meeting was over. “You want to hang out sometime?”

“You usually go for widowers?” Sam replied coolly, the tiny smirk the only clue he was just teasing.

“Oh yea, they’re my only type.” Gabriel sighed heavier than he intended and Sam softened a little.

“Yes, I’d like to hang out sometime.”

“So Charlie can’t monitor us all the time.” Gabriel added.

“Eh, she’s not too bad. She just takes getting used to.”

“I doubt I’ll make it that long.” Gabriel voiced something that he had been thinking about ever since last week. “I’m only here because my brother signed me up.”

“So why’d you come back?” Sam asked and Gabriel realized he didn’t have a good answer. So he fell back to humor, hiding behind his preferred mask, although he was finding out that grumpiness worked pretty well too. 

“Had to get your number somehow.” It wasn’t flirting if he felt dead inside, right?

“Yea, okay.” Sam laughed, startling all of them. But he gave Gabriel his number anyway and Gabriel felt a tiny spark of life return, frustrating him even more. There was no way he was going to use Sam’s number.

* * *

 

Next week, Gabriel had found a new apartment and was just waiting for details to fall through. He skipped group, settling for drinking a pack of beers alone in his hotel room.

* * *

 

The next week, he received a letter from Castiel. Said letter made Gabriel feel guilty and he dragged his sorry ass back to group where he was welcomed with open arms. Sort of. However, Charlie pulled him aside before it began.

“I know you’re going through a hard time, Gabriel, but I need you to be respectful of the others in this group.” Gabriel bristled. He was nice to the others, and by nice, he meant he wasn’t grumpy to them like he was towards Charlie.

“I am.” Gabriel protested.

“Sam hasn’t opened up since he’s been here.” Something a lot like guilt flickered over Gabriel’s face-- he hadn’t texted or called Sam since he had gotten his number, since he had asked him to hang out sometime.

“I--” He had fucked up.

“Sam’s started opening up and I don’t know why, but I think it has to do with you. It’s nothing short of a miracle if you ask me. If this isn’t working for you, that’s fine, just please let him down easy. He hasn’t made a friend here in the past three years that he’s been coming.”

“He’s been coming for three years?!” Gabriel asked in a hushed whisper, sneaking a glance at the tall, flanneled man who had looked everywhere but at him since he came in.

“His wife was murdered, Gabriel!” Charlie chastised him. “We all heal differently, no matter how hard we fight it.” She gave him a pointed look and he glared back.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” He sniffed.

“You’re not the first to play dumb and hide behind a bunch of shit.” Charlie called out a little too loudly. Half the group swung around to look at them and she covered her mouth in horror. “Gabriel! I am so sorry!” A funny laugh bubbled out of Gabriel as he shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it.” He started heading over to where Sam was already sitting. “I’m starting to think I like you better for it.” He claimed the spot to the left of Sam.

“Cesar sits there.”

“Well, can I sit here today?”

“You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

“I’m sorry.” Gabriel sighed. “I wasn’t trying to lead you on. Life is just shitty now, you know?”

“No.” Sam finally looked over at him. “No, I don’t know. Things were actually feeling like they were getting better.” Gabriel winced and Sam looked somewhat satisfied and repentant all at the same time. “It’s fine. I just— I thought something happened to you.”

“Oh.” Gabriel felt bad. “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think--”

“It’s okay, Gabriel.”

“No, it’s not. Look I don’t make friends really, but I kind of want to try with you.”

“Just friends, huh?” Lines crinkled in the corners of Sam’s eyes. He was smiling, so why did his eyes look sad?

“Fuck.” Gabriel facepalmed, the resounding smack causing Donna and Julian to jump. “Sorry.” Gabriel said before looking back to Sam. “I’m sorry. I, uh, misread--”

“Relax.” Sam leaned back, but there were that damn smirk on his face. “You just stare at me a lot.”

“I space out a lot.”

“You do.” Sam agreed. “But not when you look at me.”

“I can’t.” Gabriel whispered. “It’s only been three months.”

“Since your dog died?”

“Yea. My wife too.” Sam’s eyes widened with understanding. His hand crossed the space between their plastic chairs to nudge Gabriel’s elbow.

“I’m sorry.” Fuck him and his puppy dog eyes, he meant it whole-heartedly. Gabriel swallowed down his usual snarky response.

“Thanks-- I think we’ve come full circle now.” Sam nodded with a little laugh, swallowing hard.

“No more sorrys, okay?”

“Deal.” Gabriel had to smile at that.

“Gentlemen,” They both raised their heads to see Charlie and the rest of the group looking at them with interest and amusement, “we’re ready to start if you are?”

“We hadn’t started yet?” Gabriel asked. “Shit. Sam, forget everything I just said.” There was a ripple of laughter around the circle and Charlie gave him a warm smile.

“Who would like to go first today?” Gabriel did not want to go today. He had opened up more than he intended with Sam-- but he could actually pay attention for once. Maybe he’d get to know some of the people in his group…

“I’ll go.” Sam spoke up and Gabriel’s head whipped over to look at him that it kind of hurt a little. Sam’s lips twitched but then he looked away, focusing on the crack in the ground that ran from Donna’s chair to his chair.

“Great!” Charlie sounded excited but she looked worried. “Go right ahead, Sam.”

“Uh, so get this, my wife was murdered and I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get over it. I didn’t want to get over it. I-- I blamed myself a lot. I thought I should have been able to protect her even though in truth, I couldn’t even protect myself.” Sam drew in a ragged breath. Most people couldn’t see how hard he was pinching under his leg, but Gabriel could from where he was sitting next to him. Sam was pinching so hard, Gabriel swore he saw blood soaking through his jeans. He glanced up and caught Cesar’s eye. Cesar shook his head ever so slightly and Gabriel slumped down in his chair. It was Sam’s thing. He shouldn’t interfere. “The guy who killed my wife-- he kidnapped us both.” Sam’s knuckles were white. “What I’m trying to say is that no one plans for shit to happen-- there is some shit that cannot be prepared for no matter how much we think we should of. I’m trying to say-- don’t blame yourself for the shit that happened because whether you believe it or not, it was all out of your control. Blaming yourself only hinders your healing because you don’t think you deserve to get better--” There was an angry screech of chair metal on concrete as Gabriel pushed his chair back and hurried for the door. “We can’t afford to blame ourselves.” Sam finished weakly, watching the empty space between the door frame were Gabriel had just left.

“That was beautiful.” Charlie sniffled. Donna and Bobby were wiping their eyes and pretending that they weren’t. “Thank you, Sam.” He nodded, rising up out of his chair.

“I’ll check on him.” He said softly and no one had to ask who he meant.

“Thanks, Sam. Come get me if you need me.” Charlie gave him a proud smile. He nodded again and headed out the same door Gabriel had just fled.

Sam found Gabriel in the bathroom. The door was locked but he could hear the smaller man crying inside. He also heard what sounded like Gabriel punching the door. Sam didn’t know what to say, so he sat down by the door and waited, quoting a poem that his wife had always loved, that he had learned to love during the days after her death. Gabriel started quieting down by the third chunk of verse.   
  
"Can you go?" Gabriel asked softly through the door when Sam finished. "Thanks, but I just need--" he needed to be alone but he didn't want to scare Sam off of being his friend.  
  
"I get it." Sam replied. "I'll go back in, let them know you're leaving."  
  
"I'll be back." Gabriel said, trying to clear his head. He was going to the liquor store and then back to his hotel. He was going to forget everything that Sam's pretty speech stirred up in him. He was going to forget why he felt shitty all the time.

"Take care of yourself, Gabriel." Sam used his name for the first time. Gabriel heard him get up, heard him walk back into the room. He opened the door and slipped out of the community center basement that the group used. He would try to be back, but he just didn't know if he could make it.

* * *

 

_Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,_  
_And sorry I could not travel both_  
_And be one traveler, long I stood_  
_And looked down one as far as I could_  
_To where it bent in the undergrowth;_

_Then took the other, as just as fair,_  
_And having perhaps the better claim,_  
_Because it was grassy and wanted wear;_  
_Though as for that the passing there_  
_Had worn them really about the same,_

_And both that morning equally lay_  
_In leaves no step had trodden black._  
_Oh, I kept the first for another day!_  
_Yet knowing how way leads on to way,_  
_I doubted if I should ever come back._

_I shall be telling this with a sigh_  
_Somewhere ages and ages hence:_  
_Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—_  
_I took the one less traveled by,_  
_And that has made all the difference._  
  
-Robert Frost


	2. Chapter 2

“Gabriel, what have you done?”

Gabriel cracked his eyes open to see Kali staring at him in horror.

“What are you talking about?” He tried to sit up, but piercing pain made him fall back, gasping for breath.

“I never wanted this for you, Gabriel.”

“How are you here?” Gabriel asked as memories started to come back to him. “You’re dead.”

“I came back to talk some sense into you.” She would, just to spite him.

“You should know a lost cause when you see one.”

“I know what lost causes look like and you, Gabriel Novak, are not one. I love you, remember? I promised to spend the rest of my life with you and I did. I have no regrets.”

“I’m sorry I killed you.” Gabriel’s voice cracked.

“You didn’t.” She leaned over and kissed his throbbing head. “Wake up, baby. I promised you my life, not my afterlife.

“Huh--” Gabriel’s vision cut out and the world went black. He lost consciousness, lost all sense of time and belonging. He floated in the place between life and death before he slowly started to come to.

 

* * *

 

“Oh, Gabriel.” It wasn’t Kali’s voice. In fact, Gabriel couldn’t quite place the voice through the haze. A hand covered his for a brief moment, squeezing his cold fingers. It wasn’t Kali’s hand either. Her hand had always been smaller than his. Curiosity got the better of him and he forced his heavy eyelids to open, fighting to break through this haze holding him trapped. “What were you thinking?”

“I don’t think.” Gabriel mumbled. Everyone who knew him knew that. Kali and Castiel both could testify to his recklessness that came and went in spurts. His vision was light and fuzzy. He blinked, waiting as his vision slowly cleared. “Sam?”

“Yea.” One corner of the man’s mouth quirked up. “The whole gang is here. We didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

“What happened?”

“You crashed your car.”

“Again?”

“Again.” Sam confirmed. “Dude, what were you thinking? You’re lucky to be alive two times over now.”

“You know about the last one.”

“I googled.” Sam admitted. “I had to know why you crashed your car on purpose.” Gabriel winced. Sam wasn’t wrong. And he was starting to feel the damage he had inflicted on purpose. “It wasn’t your fault, Gabriel, the crash that killed Kali and your dog. The other driver was a drunk who should have lost his license years ago.”

“Don’t try to take my pain away.” Gabriel looked over at Sam. “You can’t save me.”

“Well, this may come to a surprise to you, but I don’t want to lose you too.” Gabriel blinked, not sure how to process that, so he did what he did best. He tried to push Sam away.

“We’re just friends.”

“I care about my friends!” Sam’s voice rose and the next thing Gabriel knew was Charlie was there, pulling Sam out with a sympathetic look on her face. Gabriel was left alone until the doctor came in. He had been out of it for days. He had been in a coma. He had gotten drunk and crashed his car into a tree at a speed that should have killed him. There was trauma all over his body, but ironically none so bad that would kill him. He had gotten lucky.

Gabriel didn’t feel lucky. He was starting to remember that he had been trying to get what he thought he deserved. He didn’t deserve to be alive when Kali was dead. He didn’t deserve to be alive when he was driving the car that she and the baby died in! In his current headspace, Gabriel knew he’d just try again once he could, and that attitude got him in lock down with no visitors and lots of therapists who had all the time in the world to pick at his brain and his grief. Gabriel hated it, but he needed it. Eventually, he just let go.

Gabriel started to try. It was fucking hard, and some days he retreated to his shared room and stayed in bed as long as he could before someone came and got him. He hated them the most when they helped him make connections to others, to the past, and eventually to the future. Finally, he was in a place where they decided he wasn’t a threat to himself and released him out into the world. He was still on a leash, still had to meet twice a week with a therapist, or else, but Gabriel was glad to be out, ready to be out, and at the first chance he went back to that basement with those not annoying people where he was welcomed back with open arms.

 

* * *

 

“Where’s Sam?” Gabriel asked when the meeting was just about to start. Charlie sighed as she unpacked her bag.

“Sam stopped coming after we visited you in the hospital, said something about needing to move on with his life.”

“Oh.” Gabriel looked over at the empty chair where the gentle giant used to sit. “Okay.” He sighed, walking over and plopping down. He took his phone out and scrolled through his contacts until he found Sam’s number, the number he had yet to use. Selecting the text message option, he snapped a picture of the room.

_Unknown number— Nice to see how the other half lives._

_Unknown number—It’s Gabriel, by the way. Sorry imma shithead and take so long._

_Sam W.— Glad you’re still alive._

_Gabriel—Oddly enough… me too._

_Gabriel— Group sucks without you._

_Gabriel— I’m sorry I snapped at you at the hospital. You surprised me but that’s no excuse._

_Sam W.— I’m busy right now, Gabe. I’m glad you’re okay, but I can’t talk at the moment. I’ll get back to you later._

Gabriel sighed deeply, reading the message for a second, and then a third time. He clicked his phone off and focused back on the meeting. He deserved that response, he just hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. He hadn’t realized how much Sam had impacted him in the short time they had known each other. All he had done was push the other man away and now here he was being shocked that Sam didn’t want to talk to him.

Gabriel started to walk towards the liquor store after the meeting. It was probably a dumb idea, the last time he had went there was the reason he had to walk or take public transportation anywhere.

 _Sam W.-- Sorry about that. How are you doing, Gabe? Gabe._ Seeing Sam call him a nickname over text yet again made Gabriel’s heart constrict in a way it had no right to.

_Gabriel-- Sorry I got you a bad time earlier. I just… I missed you at group._

_Sam W.-- You want to know why I stopped going._

_Gabriel--_ Sam paused, clicking on edit contact.

_Gabe-- It’s not my business._

“Better.” Sam smiled to himself. He was glad Gabriel had reached out. He had been afraid that he had overstepped back in the hospital, that Gabriel would want nothing to do with him.

_Sam W.-- It sort of is since you’re the reason I stopped coming._

_Gabe-- I said I was sorry and I meant it. If I could make it up to you I would._

Gabriel didn’t get a response until after dinner in his still empty, still poorly decorated apartment. He only had his bed, his clothes, and that was it. Everything else was in storage, especially shit like wedding pictures and anything that reminded him of Kali or Max. He sold and donated all the baby stuff. Well, he didn’t, he had hired someone else to do that.

_Sam W.-- What are you doing next weekend?_

_Gabe-- Tryin not to drink._

_Sam W.-- At least you’re honest lol. Come camping with me if you wanna make shit up._

_Gabe-- I don’t do camping. I glamp._

_Sam W.-- Well, you’re going to camp next weekend if you want to keep me in your life._

_Gabe-- Is this what it feels like to be blackmailed?_

_Sam W.-- You have 5 seconds to rsvp._

_Gabe-- Shit. Yes, Sam. I’ll go camping with you._

_Sam W.-- With two seconds to spare! Damn, Gabe, you must really like me._

_Gabe-- Don’t flatter yourself, hot stuff. ;) i’m gonna take a shower and go to bed._

_Sam W.-- Night cutie. See you next weekend._

_Gabe-- Wait! What do I need for this trip? Wasn’t joking about never going camping…_

_Sam W.-- I’ll text you a list in the morning._

_Gabe-- Thanks. Nite._

_Sam W.-- Night Gabriel. :)_

True to his word, Sam sent Gabriel a list of things he would need on the camping trip. Gabriel groaned when he read that hiking boots were on the list. He never really appreciated being in the great outdoors. He preferred to witness its grandeur from the comforts of inside, or even better, on the television. Sam was going to laugh at him when he realized just how much Gabriel was not like him. Sam. The thought of the tall man all hunched over on himself made Gabriel smile. He didn’t know if he had really seen Kali or not when he was almost dead, but the conversation had changed things for him. He wondered if Sam would believe him if he told him. Sam seemed like the type to believe in those sort of things.

Gabriel went shopping anyway, buying all of the items Sam had texted to him. So he might only use them once. At least he was going out and trying something new. He just hoped there was cell service there, just in case Cassie tried to call.

The week bustled by, Gabriel even making it to work most days. Usually he worked from his apartment, but he found his office a nice break from the hole he kept himself in. No one had seen him since Kali died and that was awkward, but they all managed to get past it. Gabriel found he even appreciated the cards and small gifts some of his closer coworkers gave him. Maybe Castiel was wrong about him, maybe he could make friends. Cassie would be proud of him to come back and find him more a part of society than he ever had before.

“Gabriel!” It was Friday night and he was heading over to Sam’s apartment, carrying all his gear in a backpack that was probably too big for him. He looked ridiculous and he knew it, but it was the only thing to get everything to fit for the city bus that brought him to Sam’s door. “You came.”

“I don’t have cold feet.” Gabriel declared.

“No, they look quite warm.” Sam chuckled, taking all of him in with a fond look. “I wasn’t sure if you’d dip out. You weren’t the most consistent member of group.”

“Look who’s talking.”

“I did my time. I did my talking. And now I know what I want.” The way Sam looked at him made Gabriel wonder just exactly what the other man wanted. Gabriel had fooled around with guys before but that was way before Kali, back in college. None of those guys had looked at Gabriel like Sam did now. Sam looked at him like he was about to consume him. Maybe it was about time Gabriel got back out there. Maybe.

“Good for you.” Gabriel cracked a smile. “I’m still wandering around purgatory. I don’t know quite what I want, but I think I’m ready to start living again.”

“I can work with that.” Sam smiled back. “I’m excited to show you my favorite camping spot.”

“Where is it?”

“Up by the cascades.” The cascades were a series of waterfalls on the outskirts of the forest nearby. It was a large forest, a destination spot for people with more experience outdoors than Gabriel.

“Didn’t someone get murdered up there?” Gabriel asked before he could think straight. Maybe a couple someones, but there had definitely been something on the news a couple years ago. Kali had been obsessed with the case and Gabriel had tried to ignore it completely. Something about it had made his skin crawl.

“I’ll keep you safe.” Sam teased, but a shadow had crossed his face at the mention of murder.

“Sorry.”

“I’m not friends with you because you’re tactful.” Sam laughed. “You can talk freely around me, Gabe.” Oh. Gabriel’s heart ached at the nickname and all that the nickname promised: a special place in Sam’s life, at least just special enough to warrant a nickname. “Want to head out tonight? Sunrise on the top of the cascades is something you have to see.”

“Sunrise?” Gabriel groaned and Sam’s face lit up as the taller man prepared to tease him all the more.

“The early bird catches the worm, my friend!”

“Worms are gross.” Gabriel and Sam exchanged glances and giggled.

“This backpack is a little too extreme for our trip.”

“The guy at Dick’s said it was what I needed to look like I knew what I was doing.” Sam held out his hand.

“Oh, honey, no.” Sam snickered and Gabriel flushed, handing Sam the backpack quickly. “I have a smaller backpack you can use.”

“Are you gay?” Gabriel asked suddenly. “Or bi or whatever?” It was Sam’s turn to flush and stammer.

“Why?” He asked.

“I can’t read you.”

“What was it you were hoping to read in me?” Sam asked, a little more composed this time.

“I don’t know.”

“Are you? Gay or whatever?” Sam mimicked Gabriel just enough to make the other man groan.

“In college, I identified as ‘pan.’” Gabriel made quotation marks. “Nowadays, well, I feel too old to label myself.”

“Are you ever attracted to me?” Gabriel nodded, not wanting to blurt out that Sam was the only one who had caught his eyes in years. He also didn’t want to admit he had been in denial about it for a long time, chalking it up to their mutual trauma. “Was this a more recent discovery?” Sam gave him a shit-eating grin and Gabriel pushed his arm gently. Sam had transferred his gear and clothes into a smaller back pack. He handed it over to Gabriel with a gentle smile. “I want you to know that I did not invite you on this trip to seduce you, but now that you’re here, I’m going to warn you that I might indeed try.” Gabriel choked on air and Sam offered a rueful smile. “Figured we should be honest with each other.”

“Thanks.” Gabriel swallowed hard. “I can’t promise you anything.”

“Good.” Sam smiled when he saw Gabriel’s confused reaction. “Thank you for being honest, Gabe.” He had noticed the other man shivered whenever he used the nickname. He’d make sure to use it when it counted most. Gabriel wasn’t opposed to him, but his heart was more recently wounded than Sam’s. Sam would always miss and love Jess, but he was ready to try again, at least with Gabriel, if Gabriel was willing.

“You’re welcome.” They made it to Sam’s beat up pick-up truck that was already packed with a tent and sleeping bags. Sam had packed more than enough, wanting to make this a good getaway for the both of them. He had plenty of food tucked away in two coolers, beer, wine, water. It was more than he usually packed for himself, but this was a special trip. “Whoa, are these for me?” Gabriel’s eyes widened when he saw the bouquets of red roses on the passenger seat. Sam really was going all out.

“One of them is.” Sam slid into the driver’s seat, grabbing one and stashing it behind him with the gear in the backseat. The look on his face kept Gabriel quiet, even when he murmured his thanks for the second bouquet that was handed to him with a look that he swore almost looked guilty.

“They’re beautiful.” Gabriel commented, smelling deeply of the fresh bouquet. “No one’s given me flowers before.”

“I’m glad you like them.” Sam smiled. “I wasn’t sure if you would or not.” He admitted. So he had been thinking of Gabriel. That was… nice.

“Who are the other ones for? Is this going to end up like the Bachelor?” Gabriel teased although his stomach felt like it had been twisted and tied into knots. He didn’t like the thought of Sam giving roses to anyone else. Wasn’t that a revelation to have.

“No.” Sam laughed sadly. “Those are for Jess, my wife, there’s a memorial for her near the campsite, so whenever I go, I bring flowers. Sorry, I wasn’t going to tell you about it, I didn’t want you to feel like a third wheel or anything like that. I just couldn’t come without bringing her flowers.”

“I still haven’t visited Kali’s grave.” Gabriel confessed. “It makes it too real.”

“We all grieve differently, Gabriel. There’s no right or wrong way to do it.”

“I saw her in the hospital. She released me.”

“Is that why you finally got a hold of me?”

“One of the reasons.” Sam smiled, noticing that Gabriel had a dimple. It could only be seen seconds before he fully smiled, his smile swallowing the dimple up when it light up a room. Gabriel was golden, inside and out.

“When I thought you were gonna die--” Sam cleared his throat, starting up the truck to try to hide the emotion clogging his throat. “When I saw you lying in that hospital bed, all pale and shit, I thought of another poem.”

“Let’s hear it.” Gabriel responded.

“You’re just so golden.” Sam smiled, waxing a little poetic as they started their first adventure as god knows what to the cascades. “Your eyes, your hair, what I’ve seen of your heart.”

“You missed the part where I’m a sarcastic asshole.” Gabriel, as per usual, brought them both back to reality and Sam had to laugh.

“That’s just part of your golden charm.” Gabriel found himself staring at the dimple that peeked out when Sam really smiled. He wondered how he had missed it before until he remembered they met in grief counseling. He looked away, at the road, at the scenery as Sam began to recite.  
  
" _'Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost_

 _Nature's first green is gold,_  
  
_Her hardest hue to hold._  
  
_Her early leaf's a flower;_  
  
_But only so an hour._  
  
_Then leaf subsides to leaf._  
  
_So Eden sank to grief,_  
  
_So dawn goes down to day._  
  
_Nothing gold can stay.'_

“Here’s hoping that something gold can stay.” Sam glanced meaningfully over at Gabriel before fixing his eyes back on the road. Gabriel smiled to himself, his heart beating faster than it had for a while now, an unspeakable lump in his throat. He hoped that maybe he could be the gold that could stay, but he was afraid he was something far less valuable than the gold Sam thought he was.


	3. Chapter 3

They pulled into the parking lot in silence.Gabriel couldn’t stop yawning in the dark and Sam was content to just listen to the sounds that proved he wasn’t on this trip alone. It was a blessing, although he didn’t have the words to tell Gabriel yet. He didn’t mind that Gabriel was tired, even when the man kept apologizing for yawning of all things.

“We’ll set up camp quickly so you can get your beauty sleep.” Sam found Gabriel easy to tease, easy to be around. In some ways, like his sense of humor and self-deprecation, Gabriel reminded Sam of Dean. That was where the similarities stopped, especially since Sam regraded Gabriel with a new kind of hunger he wasn’t used to having. It had been a long time since he had sex and he wasn’t in a rush to get back out there, but he wanted Gabriel, all of him, wanted to get to know him. He didn’t want this to be a quick blip of the radar. He wanted Gabriel for more than a one night stand, and he wasn’t sure how to go about making sure that happened.

They set up camp and Gabriel tumbled into his sleeping bag perched on an air mattress and quickly fell asleep. Sam smiled at his sleeping form before he went to the truck to get the roses for Jess’s grave and something else he never came to the cascades without: his gun. He hadn’t told Gabriel about the gun, but there was no way he was bringing Gabriel out here without a way to keep him safe. Sam started to walk towards the dark woods, but froze just at the edge of light illuminating out from the roaring fire. He couldn’t do it. Fear gripped his throat so tight, he couldn’t breathe. 

Sam dropped the gun and the roses, clutching at his throat, trying to force air into his lungs, trying to force his feet forwards or backwards. Lucifer was in jail, he was locked up for his crimes, but Sam could just see him waiting at Jess’s grave with that leering, crooked smile, those cruel, cold fingers and knives. He shivered, unaware of the tears streaking down his cheeks as he too, fell down to the earth. He crumpled in a heap, shoulders shaking, heart pounding, as he clawed at the ground.

Painful, agonizing minutes ticked by before he as able to move or even make a sound, and when he did, it was awful, ugly, agonizing, echoing through the darkness. Why did he come back?! He had yet to make it through the night and even worse, he had brought Gabriel this time. Gabriel would see just how bad it really was. Gabriel wouldn’t want him after this. It was even longer before Sam was able to get up to his hands and knees, tears dripping down his nose and face. He was a mess, a fucking easy mess.

“Oh my god! Sam!” He couldn’t even raise his head, too ashamed to even be seen like this as Gabriel, sleepy eyes and missed hair, hurried out of the tent and to his side. “Can I— May I touch you?” Gabriel asked, concern flooding his voice.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this.” Sam said in a low, wrecked voice. How long had he been like this, lying on the edge of the ring of light in the dark woods? He glanced over to see the fire had died down considerably, marking the passing of time to have been a while now. “I haven’t had an attack this bad in a while.”

“Panic attack?” Gabriel guessed, crouching by Sam’s side.

“Yea.” Sam took in a shuddering breath.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really. Not yet.” Sam’s gaze drifted back to the dark woods and he sucked in another troubled breath. Gabriel followed his gaze and made an understanding noise as he connected why there was a gun, roses, and a panic attack over the woods. 

“It happened out here.”

“I haven’t been able to face it yet. I thought this year would be different, I mean, I finally talked about it.” Gabriel squeezed Sam’s shoulder comfortingly, scooping up the gun and tucking it into his sweatshirt pocket. He was more than a little concerned but he didn’t share that with Sam who was still shivering, staring out into the darkness.

“Get in the truck.” He helped Sam up. “I’ll pack up camp.”

“Gabriel--”

“Trust me.” Gabriel gave him a tired but sweet smile. “This I can handle.” Sam’s shoulders sagged with what Gabriel hoped was relief as the other man nodded and headed towards the truck. 

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, Sam. Don’t worry.” It took longer for Gabriel to pack up, settling for just tossing some things haphazardly into the back of the track and putting the heavy cooler on top. When he climbed into the truck, Sam touched his arm softly.

“I”m sorry. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“Like what? Like myself when I break down over Kali, the baby, hell, Max? When I freak out that Castiel’s going to be next?” Gabriel sucked in a breath. “Hell, man, you saw me after I drove into an underpass on purpose. Don’t think you have to hide your broken from me. I’m just as broken as you, if not more.”

“This is not a competition.” Sam’s lips twitched.

“That’s only what losers say.” Gabriel quipped, coaxing a soft laugh from Sam who looked down at his lap.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being here. For being you. For letting me be me, the real me, not the me I have to pretend to be just to function in society, barely.” Sam huffed a small, sad laugh.

“You went through a huge loss, Sam. That changes a person.” Gabriel was not wise enough to be sharing this kind of wisdom, but here he was. Apparently, when Sam was sad, he wanted to help as much as he could. Gabriel placed his hand between them on the middle seat, leaving this wide open for Sam to take action. Sam was staring at his hand before he sucked in a breath and gently put his hand over Gabriel’s, sliding his fingers between Gabriel’s fingers. Gabriel shivered but smiled, feeling more than a little small. 

“So did you.” Sam braved glancing over at Gabriel, lighting up when he saw Gabriel smiling over at him. “You never mentioned the baby before.” Gabriel’s smile fell but he nodded. 

“We were out celebrating as the family we already were the newest addition that was coming soon. Then I screwed up. I never should have taken them out for dinner.”

“Gabriel, you were celebrating! That’s what people do when they have a baby coming!” Sam’s grip tightened slightly, but Gabriel shrugged. “The other guy was a known alcoholic who should have had his license taken away months ago. He’s caused several accidents, but this one was the worse.”

“It doesn’t bring my family back.” Gabriel sighed. “I was gonna be a dad, Sam, and now, now I don’t know who I am or who I’m gonna be.”

“You’re gonna be okay.”

“Yea, okay, Charlie.” Gabriel snorted, both men laughing as they held hands in a beat up pick up truck. “Do you want to drive around?”

“Yea.”

“Want me to drive?” Sam pulled his hand from Gabriel’s. Gabriel found himself missing the connection and warmth they had been sharing. He didn’t say anything though, pressing his lips together tightly instead.

“Nah.” Sam fumbled in his pocket, pulling the keys out. “We can park by the highway parking lot. They have some lights out there.”

“Aw, and here I was hoping for some fun in a dark corner of the woods, that seduction you promised me, perhaps.” Gabriel teased, keeping his gaze out the window. 

“I know a cheap motel.”

“To sleep, yes, but if you’re gonna tap this, Sam, it’s gotta be epic. I’m not cheap motel level.”

“Damn, I’m kind of broke.”

“You’ll figure something out.” They bantered back and forth as Sam drove them to the seasonally cheap motel. They got a room with two beds and called it a night, after Sam locked the door and checked it twice, before putting his gun on the nightstand between them. Gabriel eyed the piece before yawning loudly. He was too tired to deal with anything else tonight. Hopefully, Sam wouldn’t lose his mind and start shooting up the place.

Gabriel didn’t mind guns. Between his family and Castiel’s career choice, he knew enough about them to be safe. Hell, he was a pretty good shot himself. At least he had been growing up. Gabriel just, he wasn’t sure, maybe they just reminded him of his childhood too much for him to really be comfortable around them. His family had always been volatile…

The next morning they had breakfast at a homey diner nearby. Gabriel felt hungry for the first time in a long time, wolfing down French toast, eggs, sausage, and bacon. He washed it done with a chocolate milkshake, which he’d probably regret later, but it tasted so good.

“Whoa.” Sam smiled. “You’re hungry.”

“Haven’t been this hungry in a long time.” Gabriel admitted. “I used to eat my feelings. My wife would always get on me about getting fat.” Sam was polite and didn’t inquire more into that particular topic. Gabriel was starting to remember how life really had been with Kali before the accident, before he glorified her beyond her human self. He had loved her and she had loved him, but as with any relationship, they had not been perfect. She never wanted him to be fat like he was in high school (she had seen one picture from his family that he didn’t speak to and it was enough to be a wedge between them). Gabriel had always held a little resentment towards her for being so concerned on what he looked like and how that would make her look. Kali was always determined to be the best.

“How are you feeling now?” Sam asked, curiosity sparkling in his hazel eyes. Gabriel was convinced he could drown in those depth and die happy. Sam was so beautiful, even when he was tired and barely picking at his own breakfast. Gabriel had a thought that they should take a vacation somewhere Sam wasn’t haunted by the past events that happened there.

“I feel happy, content even.” Gabriel replied before taking another bite. “Wanna try mine?” He glanced meaningfully at Sam’s picked at food.

“Sure.” Sam shrugged, obediently opening his mouth so Gabriel could feed him. It shouldn’t have been as hot as Gabriel found it to be, but he was feeling more at peace with the level of attraction he felt for Sam. “Wow, that’s like really good!” Sam was impressed, something Gabriel took pride in.

“Here.” He gave Sam another bite of his powdered sugar French toast and Sam gulped it down. “Want me order another one?” Sam gave him an almost shy look, checking Gabriel’s reaction, before he nodded. Gabriel smiled and waved their waitress over to order another one. He was happy to see Sam eat almost all of it. Sam was too, looking utterly satisfied that made Gabriel wonder how he might look after other satisfying activities…

“After we wait a bit, I want to take you to the cascades.” Sam leaned forward. “Let’s go swimming.”

“Don’t you have to jump off to get in?”

“You game?”

“I’ll watch you go first and then decide.” Gabriel grinned back, the fluttering in his stomach having nothing to do with heights and everything to do with the promise he saw in Sam’s eyes. They were going to be jumping off all kind of cliffs today, and maybe, he’d finally get his ass virgin card taken.

“Deal.” Sam’s eyes gleamed. “I’ll even flip on the way down.”

“Meh, you talk big.” Gabriel teased. Sam reached across the table, his large hand covering Gabriel’s for a moment before he realized what he was doing.

“Sorry!” He pulled back.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s okay if I touch you?”

“Sam, you can hold my hand. Fucking please hold my hand.” Gabriel nodded. “I like it when you touch me.”

“Noted.” A dimple flashed like a falling star in the night sky. “Wanna get out of here?” 

“Yes please.” They paid the bill and scrambled to the truck. Sam promised there was a place to change there so they waited to change, more keen to get on the road than anything. First they would swim and hopefully after they’d fuck. At least, that was what Gabriel was hoping.


End file.
